Ice Princess

The princess.....

All my life i had questions. Questions about me , were i come from, who are my parents ( i always thought i am adopted), what I have to do here, why I have such limited experiences...... what is the world and why I can't go there anytime I want.

Even tho i am a natural brown hair , when I was about 16 I turned blonde and then brown hair again and finally blonde for good. I don't know how to explain this but for me to be blonde is more than just a hair colour. Is a very deep feeling. Is purity, is inocence, is someone who needs to be protected and loved.

And then it was always this feeling that I am better , I am above all. Always just a feeling. And after that comes the attitude. The superiority attitude. I had this all my life. Is not coming from my present actions or accomplishments. Is not from this life, and I am not sure were it comes from. But it was always in me, natural making me a very detached person who is looking from above at others, who knows there is a big difference between me and the rest. Like i have royal blood or something. I always stay calm wayting for others to do things for me, wayting for all I want to just drop at my feet..... feelings, things, people.... And somehow all my life all this happened. No metter the situation all came to me.

And then is the deep feeling of lonelyness. Always above others, always to demanding....this makes you lonely. Very very lonely. Because nothing and noone is good enough for you.

The story.......

I grew up and mannaged to escape from home, from under my parents, I gained my freedom, my independence. Always lonely, always demanding , always thinking all I want is ment for me.
I got married with the exact replica of my younger father, I was on my way. Or so i thought at that time. This was my life untill I turned 28.

The Test......

And then ....... this day came and the Universe hit me in the head. I wondered what was that. Why me ? What this means..... maybe because i never belived God is an old man watching us and wayting for us to make a mistake, maybe He is telling me now " hey, here I am and you never belived in me , take it now". I asked if this is a test. If i will pass it.
I passed the test.....

But after that I realized the real test is going to start. Will I pass that one? I am still trying to pass it. I am still in the middle of the exam.

The conclusion.......

I feel like a princess. But I can see it now. I see Her. She is making me lonely and sad. She doesn't let me feel to the end, enjoy all to it's max, love until I can't breath anymore.
Ironicaly my name means "noble" but I will not feel that way until I will put my princess to sleep. Until i will be able to look at all people as they are my equals, my friends, my companions....
Untill i will be able to feel all like it is the last thing for me on this earth. To love until I can't breath anymore. To enjoy every second of my present life like it is my last second. To live this life as a feeling . Because we are feelings.