Heroes 1

Where does it come from? This quest... This need to solve life’s mysteries.... for the simplest of questions can never be answered. Why are we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream? Perhaps it would be better off not looking at all..... Not doubting, not desiring. But that’s not human nature, not the human heart. That is not why we are here......

Yet still we struggle to make a difference, to change the world, to dream of hope, never knowing for certain who we will meet along the way. Who among the world of strangers will hold our hand, touch our hearts and share the pain of trying.

A child is born to innocence, a child is drawn towards good. Why then so many among us go so horribly wrong. What makes some walk the path of darkness, while others choose the light. Is it will? Is it destiny? Can we ever hope to understand the force that shapes the soul?

It starts with light and ends with light and in between there is darkness. Nothing there is beyond hope, nothing that could be sworn impossible. Nothing left unimagined since Zeus, father of the Olympians made night from midday, hiding the light of the shining sun and raining dark fear dawn upon men.

There is a moment in every war when everything changes. A moment when the road bends, alliances and battle lines shift and the rules of engagement are rewritten. Moments like these can change the nature of the battle and turn the tide for either side. So we do what we can to understand them. To be ready for change we steady our hearts, cover our fears, master our forces and look for signs in the stars. But these moments, these game changes remain a mystery. Destiny is the invisible hand moving the pieces from the chessboard. No matter how much we prepare for them, how much we resist the change, anticipate the moment, fight the inevitable outcome, in the end, we are never truly ready when it strikes.

Dreams

I often dream about a place that I can not really define it. In the dream I know exactlly who I am....

And then I wake up. Where am I? I wonder. Sometimes I even say it out loud. " Where am I?" The question makes no sense because I know the answer even before I ask the question: I am here. Here is the life. My life. All that has anything to do with who I am. Funny story.
My entire existence has been defined without me ever knowing it, noticing it, seeing it for what it really is. Every single decision I made, thinking it to be purely my own wish and desire, has been heavily influenced by my surroundings, even to the point where it stops being _my_ decision, born from my own desire. Without ever noticing it, my life has become everybody else's life.
My decisions - everybody else's decisions. Without noticing it, it was not me living my life, but somebody else living somebody else's life.

"Creepy" - a friend of mine said that when he heard about it

Have you ever tryed to spread your arms and legs just to make sure you are only you? Not a part of something else.....

Being true to myself

I often wonder what this really means. What it implies. Was I ever for real true to myself?

Let's supose I am. Does this make me a selfish person? Let's assume i really really have this feeling and I want to do something regarding this feeling. But I also know I hurt someone by doing it. What I choose ?

And now I try to think about my past. How many times I was really true to myself? How many of the importand decisions in my life I took from consideration of others? My family, my friends, society..... religion :)

The only decision I took being true to myself was the divorce one. And I am still blamed for it. Noone even wanted to understand that. Somehow by trying to save myself from an unhappy life I paved my path with victims. Everybody is a victim of it. Should we make this decisions acording to the casualties? Should we play so detached that not even see the casualties not to mention care about?
I am ok with my detachment. I am not ok when I want others to show me attachment. How can I be so hypocrite? Lately I even managed to convince my close ones that this is the right way.
And today i got all pissed cos someone didn't gave a shit about what I want. Who the fk cares, he wants something else.

As always I am full of questions, I wonder if the unswers will ever come.

From Heaven to Hell and the other way around

I can tell you some storyes about this. Heaven and Hell are so popular subjects ..... we all grew up hearing about them, being scared of one and hoping for the other.
But if i think really in to it i find Heaven boring and Hell a little to much pain for me. So maybe we should look at it in another way, and starting from this nice fairytales ( or not) we can make our own analysis.

First story....

Some say that millions of years ago when this world was created, a bunch of angels lead by Lucifer started to think about theyr angelic lifes. And they realized that living in theyr perfect but limited world knowing only the light, the good the Heaven..... they were kinda bored. So they came to earth to experience the other side of life.

And here experiencing both sides we were created.

The second story.....

One day a man and his grandson were walking and playing in a park. The man stared to tell his grandson a story. He said that our soul is the house of 2 wolves. One of them is huge and bad and fighting all the time. The other one is sweet and nice and caring and never wants to fight. The child concerned asked the man. " Grandfather who is going to win? " And the man answered: " The one that we choose to feed the most!"

SO...... wich one we choose to feed the most?
No metter wich one the esence of this is that we have both wolves inside us. Good/evil, dark/light, Heaven/Hell. And if we think about it there is not one without the other. Or maybe there is no good or bad , heaven and hell..... there is just us. All our sides make us who we are, help us survive, leading us through life. So why deny any of it? Why not just choose wich one to feed more.

I choose to feed both, one at a time. To know all, to go on both extremes and finally to know ME. To accept, to understand and to love myself in the end.
The road is tricky. From not knowing going in the deepest holes of my Hell, trying to take all that outside and deal with it. Just facing my black angel and learning to love it. And when I feel safe there when i can finally love it flying up on the highest peak of my Heaven. Meeting my white angel there and learning to love it.

But after that I am complete, and I can love myself as I deserve .

All our life is a road from Heaven to Hell and the other way around, facing all our sides and always learning to love them. This jorney never ends. But when we spread our wings and fly at the end, we can say that the angel had the courage to look at him and see it all. And loved it all....

waltz

I danced waltz today. It was like.... flying and making love in the same time. Loved it!

What side we choose...

What side we choose...

The mistery one, were we hide all about ourselves, we play the cozy roles were we know we are on top, we make no mistakes, we rule the game.

Or

The honest one

It is such a big difference , this honesty has so many faces. Even if you don’t lie about your facts, your actions, sometimes over your feelings….. you still can lie so easy.

Just pick the right words and stop when it becomes to deep. Just show the surface. Nothing that can touch or hurt you ever comes out.

I wonder if any of the people that ever met me wondered what is behind this nice polished surface. What is this mask hiding. A lot of pain , sufferings from the past, all my past. To take this out I need so much trust. Trust in myself first. Trust that I can handle this. Trust that I will not go insane after I take all out. Not that I am so close to normality now. It is a long way in front of me. A very difficult one. I wonder who will be the person that will come to the end of it. The one I am now will lose herself on the way.

I started all this because alot of my friends told me i show an unapproachable image. I thought about myself untill now that i am quite sociable and friendly. Ironic..... it is quite the opposite. But also I wonder if the unapproachable attitude it is so noticeable , how thick is the wall i built between me and the others. How scared am I of getting hurt...again....and again. Why I let myself, my life , my actions.. all of me be lead by fear. Fear holds us back. If we listen to Yoda, " fear finally leads us to suffering". So there is my unswer .... fear leaded me to suffering. It was quite simple after all.

I will talk about the courage to step out of fear next time ......

This was supposed to be an article about volunteer work. I try to write it for a week now.

Well we will do that one also sometime this night :)

author and title unknown

" Today I woke up and I was everything I wanted to be .

I forgave myself of everything that had ever made me feel ashamed.

I loved everyone everywere....
Even those who hurt me.

I sent Love to those who have lost theyr ways.
I wasn't affraid of anything anymore.

I realized .... I was endowed with all the power of the Universe to think....to feel....and create,
And love all that i have created.

I revealed in the relization that this...
is the sum total of all I have intended for myself to date.

I realized that right NOW is the only moment there ever really is, was, or will be

I knew....that all my past, except what was good, was gone.

I made a pact with myself never to forget.... to hold this feeling as if it were a little child....

for indeed, it was."

" Today I woke up and I was everything I wanted to be ."

I found this on Facebook somewere, i liked it and for me is a good way to start a day. It makes me aware that I am the owner of my life. That i take the shots.