Dreams

I often dream about a place that I can not really define it. In the dream I know exactlly who I am....

And then I wake up. Where am I? I wonder. Sometimes I even say it out loud. " Where am I?" The question makes no sense because I know the answer even before I ask the question: I am here. Here is the life. My life. All that has anything to do with who I am. Funny story.
My entire existence has been defined without me ever knowing it, noticing it, seeing it for what it really is. Every single decision I made, thinking it to be purely my own wish and desire, has been heavily influenced by my surroundings, even to the point where it stops being _my_ decision, born from my own desire. Without ever noticing it, my life has become everybody else's life.
My decisions - everybody else's decisions. Without noticing it, it was not me living my life, but somebody else living somebody else's life.

"Creepy" - a friend of mine said that when he heard about it

Have you ever tryed to spread your arms and legs just to make sure you are only you? Not a part of something else.....

Being true to myself

I often wonder what this really means. What it implies. Was I ever for real true to myself?

Let's supose I am. Does this make me a selfish person? Let's assume i really really have this feeling and I want to do something regarding this feeling. But I also know I hurt someone by doing it. What I choose ?

And now I try to think about my past. How many times I was really true to myself? How many of the importand decisions in my life I took from consideration of others? My family, my friends, society..... religion :)

The only decision I took being true to myself was the divorce one. And I am still blamed for it. Noone even wanted to understand that. Somehow by trying to save myself from an unhappy life I paved my path with victims. Everybody is a victim of it. Should we make this decisions acording to the casualties? Should we play so detached that not even see the casualties not to mention care about?
I am ok with my detachment. I am not ok when I want others to show me attachment. How can I be so hypocrite? Lately I even managed to convince my close ones that this is the right way.
And today i got all pissed cos someone didn't gave a shit about what I want. Who the fk cares, he wants something else.

As always I am full of questions, I wonder if the unswers will ever come.

Iceland for me ....

I am home for 2 weeks now, but I still think about it. Someone told me I should take my soul out of there and get it home with me :). On the other way all my life I did this. I took my soul out of the places it loved to be and kept it with me were it was supose to be.

Iceland was just the beginning. My soul got it's unswers there. I try to put them in order now.

I don't even know when I decided to go there . It just happened. All the "road" until i reached Iceland it was a complete mess. I got there 26 hours later then i was suposed to arrive ( flights lost and some delayed). My luggage was missing, I had no local money and the Flybus that should take me to town was gone for 2 minutes. The next one came 3 hours later:). But it was this lady. She got me a coffee and smoked with me until next flybus came. She huged me in the end and wished me a nice stay and lots of fun.

And I had a nice stay and lots of fun :). I met wonderfull people, I enjoyed every minute of my staying, I found out things about me that still amaze me. And I am full of questions now. What is going to happen next, what I want to do , were I want to go and what is the purpose.

It is dificult for me to describe the feeling I had while I was there. It was Peace. Just peace and joy........ enjoying life, people in my life, old friends, exhusband, family...... new friends, new experiences, courage for the life I always wanted to live.

...................

From Heaven to Hell and the other way around

I can tell you some storyes about this. Heaven and Hell are so popular subjects ..... we all grew up hearing about them, being scared of one and hoping for the other.
But if i think really in to it i find Heaven boring and Hell a little to much pain for me. So maybe we should look at it in another way, and starting from this nice fairytales ( or not) we can make our own analysis.

First story....

Some say that millions of years ago when this world was created, a bunch of angels lead by Lucifer started to think about theyr angelic lifes. And they realized that living in theyr perfect but limited world knowing only the light, the good the Heaven..... they were kinda bored. So they came to earth to experience the other side of life.

And here experiencing both sides we were created.

The second story.....

One day a man and his grandson were walking and playing in a park. The man stared to tell his grandson a story. He said that our soul is the house of 2 wolves. One of them is huge and bad and fighting all the time. The other one is sweet and nice and caring and never wants to fight. The child concerned asked the man. " Grandfather who is going to win? " And the man answered: " The one that we choose to feed the most!"

SO...... wich one we choose to feed the most?
No metter wich one the esence of this is that we have both wolves inside us. Good/evil, dark/light, Heaven/Hell. And if we think about it there is not one without the other. Or maybe there is no good or bad , heaven and hell..... there is just us. All our sides make us who we are, help us survive, leading us through life. So why deny any of it? Why not just choose wich one to feed more.

I choose to feed both, one at a time. To know all, to go on both extremes and finally to know ME. To accept, to understand and to love myself in the end.
The road is tricky. From not knowing going in the deepest holes of my Hell, trying to take all that outside and deal with it. Just facing my black angel and learning to love it. And when I feel safe there when i can finally love it flying up on the highest peak of my Heaven. Meeting my white angel there and learning to love it.

But after that I am complete, and I can love myself as I deserve .

All our life is a road from Heaven to Hell and the other way around, facing all our sides and always learning to love them. This jorney never ends. But when we spread our wings and fly at the end, we can say that the angel had the courage to look at him and see it all. And loved it all....

Ice Princess

The princess.....

All my life i had questions. Questions about me , were i come from, who are my parents ( i always thought i am adopted), what I have to do here, why I have such limited experiences...... what is the world and why I can't go there anytime I want.

Even tho i am a natural brown hair , when I was about 16 I turned blonde and then brown hair again and finally blonde for good. I don't know how to explain this but for me to be blonde is more than just a hair colour. Is a very deep feeling. Is purity, is inocence, is someone who needs to be protected and loved.

And then it was always this feeling that I am better , I am above all. Always just a feeling. And after that comes the attitude. The superiority attitude. I had this all my life. Is not coming from my present actions or accomplishments. Is not from this life, and I am not sure were it comes from. But it was always in me, natural making me a very detached person who is looking from above at others, who knows there is a big difference between me and the rest. Like i have royal blood or something. I always stay calm wayting for others to do things for me, wayting for all I want to just drop at my feet..... feelings, things, people.... And somehow all my life all this happened. No metter the situation all came to me.

And then is the deep feeling of lonelyness. Always above others, always to demanding....this makes you lonely. Very very lonely. Because nothing and noone is good enough for you.

The story.......

I grew up and mannaged to escape from home, from under my parents, I gained my freedom, my independence. Always lonely, always demanding , always thinking all I want is ment for me.
I got married with the exact replica of my younger father, I was on my way. Or so i thought at that time. This was my life untill I turned 28.

The Test......

And then ....... this day came and the Universe hit me in the head. I wondered what was that. Why me ? What this means..... maybe because i never belived God is an old man watching us and wayting for us to make a mistake, maybe He is telling me now " hey, here I am and you never belived in me , take it now". I asked if this is a test. If i will pass it.
I passed the test.....

But after that I realized the real test is going to start. Will I pass that one? I am still trying to pass it. I am still in the middle of the exam.

The conclusion.......

I feel like a princess. But I can see it now. I see Her. She is making me lonely and sad. She doesn't let me feel to the end, enjoy all to it's max, love until I can't breath anymore.
Ironicaly my name means "noble" but I will not feel that way until I will put my princess to sleep. Until i will be able to look at all people as they are my equals, my friends, my companions....
Untill i will be able to feel all like it is the last thing for me on this earth. To love until I can't breath anymore. To enjoy every second of my present life like it is my last second. To live this life as a feeling . Because we are feelings.

waltz

I danced waltz today. It was like.... flying and making love in the same time. Loved it!

Travels

I will start this new chapter ..... about the World, about Me in the World
No metter the reasons, no metter the time this was and it is my biggest dream. To see the World. To know the World.

During my 29 years of life i traveled, like a good and common traveler, I saw some common European Capitals, something that every turist must see. It was ok but let's get real. How much can you feel the place when you are there for 1 week. How much can you know the people leaving there, theyr habbits, theyr food and drinks, theyr mind and soul......

Like when I was in Barcelona and I visited Sagrada Familia. I went there with some machine telling me a little story about it, it was way to crouded for my taste, I tried to actually SEE something, smell the air, look at the wonders ...... but I was always keeping the group so they hurried me and so on. I would love to go back there, maybe I can actually see this wonder. And all the other wonders that Gaudi spread around this magnificent city.

Same story about Milano, Istanbul, Monte Carlo and so on.

You need time and desire to try to know at least a small part of this places, this places that are a part of the world we live in. How can we not be curious? How can we...

What side we choose...

What side we choose...

The mistery one, were we hide all about ourselves, we play the cozy roles were we know we are on top, we make no mistakes, we rule the game.

Or

The honest one

It is such a big difference , this honesty has so many faces. Even if you don’t lie about your facts, your actions, sometimes over your feelings….. you still can lie so easy.

Just pick the right words and stop when it becomes to deep. Just show the surface. Nothing that can touch or hurt you ever comes out.

I wonder if any of the people that ever met me wondered what is behind this nice polished surface. What is this mask hiding. A lot of pain , sufferings from the past, all my past. To take this out I need so much trust. Trust in myself first. Trust that I can handle this. Trust that I will not go insane after I take all out. Not that I am so close to normality now. It is a long way in front of me. A very difficult one. I wonder who will be the person that will come to the end of it. The one I am now will lose herself on the way.

I started all this because alot of my friends told me i show an unapproachable image. I thought about myself untill now that i am quite sociable and friendly. Ironic..... it is quite the opposite. But also I wonder if the unapproachable attitude it is so noticeable , how thick is the wall i built between me and the others. How scared am I of getting hurt...again....and again. Why I let myself, my life , my actions.. all of me be lead by fear. Fear holds us back. If we listen to Yoda, " fear finally leads us to suffering". So there is my unswer .... fear leaded me to suffering. It was quite simple after all.

I will talk about the courage to step out of fear next time ......

This was supposed to be an article about volunteer work. I try to write it for a week now.

Well we will do that one also sometime this night :)

Just do it !

Latelly .... in the past year to be more exact i thought alot about me and my life. Things I did, thingd i didn't .. wishes that i fulfilled and some i didn't even try to.

And after I asked myself if i am happy. The amswer was lame, not happy not unhappy either.
And then , another question came. Do I like it like this? Not knowing , not living , not....

I think alot about my life. The choices i made. Was I the one who made them? Or maybe was the fear in me who did. I always chose the safe way. The path i know is the one who leads me to success. But were is the fun? Maybe if I want happyness i have to choose the other path. Not safe, not known but you feel alive walking on it . You can actually enjoy the road because is a new one and you (I) need curage to walk on it. So for me is all a metter of choices. And curage to listen to myself and take the other path. And for once enjoy it and be happy.

Robert Frost - The Road Not Taken

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
t wo roads diverged in a wood, and I ..
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference"

Make sure YOU are the one who makes the choice, and choose yourself....

author and title unknown

" Today I woke up and I was everything I wanted to be .

I forgave myself of everything that had ever made me feel ashamed.

I loved everyone everywere....
Even those who hurt me.

I sent Love to those who have lost theyr ways.
I wasn't affraid of anything anymore.

I realized .... I was endowed with all the power of the Universe to think....to feel....and create,
And love all that i have created.

I revealed in the relization that this...
is the sum total of all I have intended for myself to date.

I realized that right NOW is the only moment there ever really is, was, or will be

I knew....that all my past, except what was good, was gone.

I made a pact with myself never to forget.... to hold this feeling as if it were a little child....

for indeed, it was."

" Today I woke up and I was everything I wanted to be ."

I found this on Facebook somewere, i liked it and for me is a good way to start a day. It makes me aware that I am the owner of my life. That i take the shots.